Bodies and Body Art

I am no stranger to manipulating my body. I have marked it and starved it and stuffed it and emptied it. Mostly I change it to feel powerful and gain some sense of control, even when it gets out of control. I have changed myself in order to feel and to cry out for help. It has been almost four years since I have resorted to routine mutilation, and almost a year since I have really dealt with the obsession of perfection.

Denmark fixed me. I do not want to camouflage what I just wrote in flowery prose, Denmark fixed me. If we look back four years ago, something entered my life that I loved more than myself. I was willing to give up my most prized source of comfort in the naive mindset that this new thing would take care of me, which it did. Irony loves me though, and that same thing that took care of me in my lowest points was broken and destroyed last summer when I decided to love Denmark more than I loved it.

I was at the doctor weekly last year to monitor my health. One of the forms in order to go to Denmark was a medical clearance. I was in the midst of "recovery" and seeing three different doctors. I was informed that they would not sign the forms unless I made drastic improvements in my attitude towards my body and my health. I again found a new thing to love more than myself, and really more than anything, and that was the promise of Denmark. Even last year I knew that I needed to get away and do something completely different. I do not even really remember second semester last year or my summer for that matter. All of my energy went to making sure I could come. I am glad that Denmark has fulfilled everything I dreamed of and more. When I am here I do not have to be perfect or in control, and I love that. This is the reason I am so frightened to go home. It is not that I just love Denmark and Copenhagen, I love myself when I am here. Home, even with everyone I love and miss, represents a place where I hated myself every single day. Where I loathed looking in the mirror or going out because I could see only flaws in my body and my actions.

That being said, I have decided to get a tattoo. I have thought a lot about this, and I really think that this is something that I will not regret. I want a daisy, which is a symbol of Denmark, and a quote from the Ugly Duckling which was written by Hans Christian Andersen. The quote I want is ‎"Den følte sig ordentlig glad over al den nød og genvordighed, den havde prøvet; nu skønnede den just på sin lykke, på al den dejlighed, der hilste den." The best english translation I have found or it is "He was thankful that he had known so much want, and gone through so much suffering, for it made him appreciate his present happiness and the lovliness of everything about him all the more." It is a little long and I am not sure if I am going to edit it down or not, because every part of it is so important to the meaning I do not know what I would cut out.

I would like to get it done here so that I can come home and have it during my culture shock, but I am not going to spend my parent's money on this so it is going to have to wait until the end of summer after I have saved for a bit.

I want to remember Denmark forever. I want to be able to look at my body and not see the results of destruction but a mark of promise that if I can be this happy here now, there should be nothing stopping me from being this happy at home in the future. I am so scared to go home, I never want May to come.