(28/8/10)
I just had my first homesick breakdown. Okay, it wasn’t a breakdown, it was 5 minutes of crying, and it wasn’t really because I am homesick. I am very lonely. I cannot imagine a more lonely feeling then studying abroad, unless Amanda did not come with me. A lot of the students came over with friends, there are some universities with over 30 people here. It seems like the students who did not come over with friends have already formed cliques while I was sick in bed. It also seems like the reason people chose my housing option was so that they could live with their friends and/or go out and party every single night. I do not have the stamina or the cash flow to go out to bars every night, and there is that little fact that I am not invited. I was the first couple nights, but I was sick, and now no one asks. I have tried to be friends, I do not hide in my room, and I go into the common room frequently, but then that is awkward also because it is the kitchen and the TV doesn’t work and we have no internet so you just have to kinda sit there and pretend to be eating. So I have no friends and they think I am a fatty.
I realize I am making myself sound very unattractive, but here are the facts:
- I am a familiar face on the floor. I talk to people and they talk to me. If they see me outside of housing they say “hi” and we make small talk. People are nice to me and I am nice to them.
- People talk to me in class.
- I introduce myself to new people.
- I have 4 numbers in my phone.
- I have not done anything totally embarrassing or gross to make a public fool of myself.
- I have been approached by people that I have met just a few times.
- I am involved with events that my school has.
- I have Amanda here with me, kinda.
- I do not have a host family to take care of me.
- I have a lot of free time because classes are not in full swing yet.
- It is the first week, and I have 9 more months.
- I have recently had some very complicated friend issues that already have me questioning my likeability, and make me think all relationships are a scam anyways.
The conclusions I can make from this? I have made a lot of acquaintances. Friendships take time. Everyone else is feeling just as lonely and clinging to each other in a desperate attempt to fill the void until they make real friends. I am jumping to the assumption that no one wants to be my friend when I have no concrete evidence. The problems at home were caused by unique circumstances that do not apply in this situation.
EDIT: I was searching my itunes for “You’re Not Alone” by Saosin to add background music to this feeling, but ended up with “We Are Not Alone” by Starfire. Thanks itunes for helping me remember the deal. God has a plan, I just have to trust that everything happens for a reason.
Sorry to hear you have the blues. Rest assured, people do like you, it is just the awkwardness of a new surrounding and the fish out of water feeling. I bet if you look around, you will find someone else with a brave face feeling just as out of sorts as you. A kindred spirit... and that isn't a bad place to start when looking for new friends.
ReplyDeleteSo the sermons in church and crossings today were absolutely amazing. They both brought a lot of comfort to my life. The one from morning church was preached by Debbie, and it was based off of Psalm 139. If you have your bible with you, I would suggest checking it out. It says that God created you with intricate parts all perfectly woven together by him. He planned how everything would go for you before you were even born and he loved you then. He is always with you. Just try to remember that.
ReplyDeleteAnd crossings sermon was by a guest pastor from walnut creek umc. Her message is summed up by one statement. GOD LOVES YOU. He always has and he always will. So remember that when you're feeling lonely, awkward, or like you just don't belong. I've felt like that before, but I don't recall anyone telling me that God loves me through it all. So I'm passing this piece of truth onto you. I love you, Julia! If you remember these things, things will only get better from here.