Cue Homesickness and Pre-Birthday Blues

2/9/10 17:59

DISCLAIMER: This post can be summed up as followed “WAH WAH WAH I hate my life and no one likes me” so if you do not feel like reading that, I would skip this one.

Things I really miss about home:
- my car
- showers that drain, I do not have to share, and that I can spend as much time in as I would like
- my bathroom in general
- vegetables besides starches or cucumbers, fruit that does not have brown spots
- food that is easy to get and make
- not spending ridiculous amounts of money on nothing
- my clothes and shoes
- quiet places to study that are not 4 bus stops away
- texting
- having internet
- TV
- being able to eavesdrop
- being organized

Okay, I got my first package today. The girl opening hers next to me had her birthday yesterday and got a package full of presents and treats. I knew what was in mine, but I am not going to lie that I was upset when there was not even a note or anything. I haven’t had a real conversation with my parents since they dropped me off at the airport. It is mainly because of my lack of internet, but it is hard seeing everyone else being harassed by their parents at all hours of the day. I feel like I have nothing to complain about when they all say “Oh my goodness, my mother talked to me for like 5 hours last night, she just would not shut up!” and I just sit there. Seriously, I get a letter at Sonoma like every other week when I am only 2 hours away. This is not a post bashing my parents at all, I just am realizing how far disconnected I am from everything at home. My mom said that she would try to give me space while I am away, but I feel like she smothers me when I don’t need it and when I could use a little contact I get nothing. I really hate that communication is so hard. I always blame others for lack of communication, but maybe it is my fault? I do not know.

Anyways, my birthday is in 2 days. For the past 3 years I have had horrible birthdays. Senior year I was in the midst of some stupid depression thing and had no friends, Freshmen year of college I had just moved there and was super homesick and was also still very upset about breaking up with that boyfriend, and last year I put a lot of work into a night that blew up in my face and when I broke down crying my friends just left me in the car while they talked outside. The last good birthday I remember was when I turned 16 and spent it in Disneyland with my mother and none of my friends. Today I had this moment when I forgot that it was going to be my birthday, and it was nice. Then I remembered and got very homesick. But it is not like home really ever makes good birthdays for me. I just want it to be special so badly that I make ridiculously high expectations, and then no one cares except me and I end up disappointed and feeling worthless.

This birthday is also hard for me because I am turning 20. In itself this is not a big deal, but if you know anything about my summer and the changes that took place over it you might understand that I am in the biggest transition point I have yet to experience. The number 20 just feels like an ultimatum on my childhood. It should be, I just feel like I wasted my teenage years living a life I hated and I wish I had the chance to do it again. Now I am going to be 20, in a country where no one really knows me, without a boyfriend, with very few close friendships at home, and facing another 4-6 years of school to get anywhere close to where I want to be with my education. By saying that this is my chance to reinvent myself, it really just means that I have nothing about myself worth saving.

I am really overwhelmed by my life right now. I cannot really describe what I am going through right now. My professors are European so they have thrown us into a teaching style and very high academic standards I do not understand yet, but they are still encouraging us to be tourists. It also takes about 45 minutes round trip to get to internet which takes time out of my day. I am behind on all my school work, have a test tomorrow on material I haven’t looked at yet, and am going to have to talk to an “immersion counselor” or something because I have not successfully completed enough Danish immersion things? Um, you guys are the ones who wouldn’t give me a host family, a visiting family, or a volunteer option because the CSU system screwed me over. I just want to be in Sonoma where I have friends, I know that Trader Joes has my back, and professors worship me. AND WHERE I HAVE INTERNET! Really DIS, this is getting ridiculous.

Tomorrow after I take my test and get through my 6 hours of class I will love this place again I am sure, but right now I want to watch Arrested Development on my laptop and take a bubble bath while I eat something besides carbs.